Time Pressure by Mr Magoo

Time Pressure by Mr Magoo

A period off work led me to resuscitate a long-considered idea to apply to appear on Countdown. An emailed entry form soon led to an invitation to attend a local ‘audition’ for the show, and when that came round I found myself in a room with five other hopefuls, tackling six word rounds, two numbers rounds and three conundra.

I was annoyed to find I had missed a maximum on the first round EEPICETRS, though the audition rules were kind enough to let me attempt SETPIECE and fall back on PRECISE. I picked off two more 9-letter words, from ELISTHORE and SERTAVONE, having realised that there was a better than usual chance of their availability. Another twist for the audition was being told that the two numbers games were both possible before attempting them – it was a bit feeble to miss one of them by one (with two identical numbers unused). And getting two of the three conundra seemed another good-but-not-great return.

Of the six of us, I would have said that we formed three pairs: two good enough to qualify, two borderline and two not good enough. And I was happy enough to receive a letter saying I would be contacted to be told an appearance date within the next six months. This was followed a couple of weeks later by a phone call offering me a slot in two weeks – as I couldn’t make that one, I was offered another one about two weeks after. So I had an effective month to refine my skills.

My two great practice tools were an archive of all the Countdown games, round by round; and an ODE word-list that Chris Lear sent me. With these I improved my knowledge of allowable words dramatically, and my numbers game skills appreciably. I formed strategies in the event of being well in the lead, just in the lead, just behind and miles behind. I filled in my form of family, hobbies, favourite places, achievements and anecdotes. Importantly, I concluded that in each series there were four or five contestants who were definitely likely to beat me, and that my odds of meeting one for my (first) programme were about one in four.

And so to Manchester. I was able to visit my father in Ludlow Hospital on the way, which proved more than providential, as it meant that he saw a member of the family on his final day – the news that came later rather took the edge off any enjoyment of an evening in Manchester before the recording.

Arriving at the studio at noon, I found out that a wunderkind was currently ‘on a run’, though information was hazy about whether he had completed 4 or 5 wins overnight – an important fact, as I was scheduled for the fourth game filmed on the day. Eventually, it became clear that I would be likely to play the remarkable Oliver Garner – Chris has told me since that Oliver has played over 1,000 online games of Countdown in the last 2 years. Lunch was slightly tense therefore, and the sight of Ken Barlow tucking in at the next table seemed more surreal than amusing.

The afternoon filming began strangely, with a joke contestant offering a 2-letter word and then hymning Jeff Stelling the presenter vocally – it turned out to be a disguised Charlotte Church preparing a spoof item for a new series, to the amazement of the presenters. Then came the last chance for Oliver to be beaten before my show – but there was no joy for the self-proclaimed punster and monster-in-law Daphne, except when she got the conundrum.

My moment in the spotlight was just as it appeared on January 21st – I was amazed to find that the filming of an episode takes no longer than its airing (indeed it’s shorter as the ad breaks are briefer). My amazement at amassing a 26-point lead – the first half of which was all down to two rare errors by young Oliver – was only matched by its predictable dissipation. The culmination was a one-second conundrum spot by Oliver, especially frustrating as his conundrum record had been average to that point. I estimate his chances of beating me based on his other showings at about 75% in any game, so I couldn’t claim to feel hard done by.

The show’s presenters were all very kind and complimentary – Jeff Stelling, a sports fan through and through, had clearly enjoyed a rare thriller; John Stapleton and Susie Dent both kindly reckoned that I’d have had a great chance against anyone else. Rachel Riley formed a poor impression of my hearing after she had to ask me four times what scene of Bridget Jones’s Diary I was in.

Back in London, I pondered about how wide to spread the word that I was appearing, especially as the impetus to get people to watch was reduced by the result. I wasn’t due for a Magpie editorial – but maybe a puzzle would be in order? The conundrum formed a neat and obvious centre-point, and I carefully picked another couple of rounds where a performance by me to equal Dictionary Corner’s would have led to a win. A number of people have expressed surprise that I tried DENOTER in another round – they had the same sinking feeling that struck me as soon as I had said it – but in fact settling for 6 points there would have taken the game into an extra tie-break conundrum.

I liked the idea of a puzzle in which the necessary words were formed from the letters in the rounds – though of course I couldn’t remember the order in which the letters were drawn. So contrasting Dictionary Corner’s suggestions with my own poorer efforts suggested itself. Not wanting the grid, or project, to be too large to overwhelm the idea (or compile in the time), I quickly accepted asymmetry and a restricted average answer length for the sake of creating crossing entries that could be words in either arrangement.

The letters that could form ‘removals’ from longer words in the draft grid were almost suited to a message about Countdown on Twenty-One January, but the J proved impossible, and I decided that as long as the puzzle came out in January’s issue, ‘the twenty-first’ was unambiguous. I hadn’t originally planned a full jigsaw but once I’d had the idea of tweaking and arranging the initials of the other answers into a rueful message of self-appraisal, that was really the only way to go. And at least there was only one word longer than six letters to give a start, though I gave no quarter in its clue.

It didn’t occur to me that anyone would not be able to divine the meaning of the message – given especially that we have featured Countdown in the magazine before, but then I am an aficionado of the show and can’t imagine people who have never watched it. I’m conscious that it discriminates against non-Brits, but plenty of our stuff does, and we just ask them to bear with us. Generally, friends and Mr Magoo fans (there are some) have been generous both about my TV performance and the puzzle, and I thank them whole-heartedly for their support. And yes, I do derive an odd form of therapy from the closure that setting such a puzzle gives, as with Emulation from October 2008.

It was always going to be a problem for foreign solvers to watch the show (apologies to them), so I tried to make it solvable without the confirmation from the TV, though of course it will have been a little harder. There was also clearly a chance that some solvers would solve too late to be in time for the show. The proliferation of Channel 4 repeat channels and Internet availability seems to have made this matter less – the title was a small steer towards early completion, I vaguely hoped. The comment that I must have landed a Channel 4 advertising contract recently is amusing, but a bit wide of the mark. I shall have to try to avoid popular culture for a while!

Mr Magoo

3 Responses to “Time Pressure by Mr Magoo”

  1. James Hawkins Says:

    I never fail to be impressed by the work ethic of Countdowners as they prepare for the show.

    A friend of mine from university, Nic Brown, won Series 14 in 1987. Knowing that the final was to be broadcast on Christmas Day, he guessed that the conundrums would have a seasonal theme. So, he produced a list of nine-letter Christmassy words, and derived possible anagrams. When the conundrum was revealed as GRAPEDIRT, not only had he predicted the answer, but also the question.

    An easy 10 points.

  2. Larry Baum Says:

    If someone has a link to the video of this broadcast that will work in the USA, could you send it to me? Thanks

  3. Chris Lear Says:

    Not a link to the show, but you can enjoy the delights of web sites like these from anywhere I think:
    http://www.c4countdown.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=3289
    http://wiki.apterous.org/Episode_4962

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